Holding Out

Many Christians are celibate.

Some choose celibacy, in order to give themselves completely to some cause.

Others do not have high relational or sexual needs.

Some have never found a husband or wife.

Some are widowed.

Some are mentally, emotionally or physically disabled.

Some are married to people for whom sex is difficult, impossible or unpleasant.

Some are celibate because they believe – emotionally if not intellectually – that being holy is incompatible with being sexual.

All of these situations can be lonely or painful at times, even if they are the results of a deliberate choice.

Some of these situations can infect one’s everyday life with a sadness and emptiness that becomes increasingly difficult to overcome or to express.

The truth is, most of us are all sexual beings, even if we intentionally chose to be celibate. If we make our own choice about it, the frustration can be offered up to God, for who we have made our choice. However, if the choice is made for us, frustration often turns to bitterness. Bitterness, in turn, can lead to a sense of entitlement: the belief that we deserve whatever sexual experience we can find, even if it is addictive and dark.

Patrick Carnes’s books are exceptionally helpful for understanding all types of sexual addiction. However, his most perceptive book may be the one he called, Sexual Anorexia.

His concept is simple: the sexual anorexic does to sex what other anorexics do to food. An anorexic demonizes his or her own desire for, taste of and consumption of food. A sexual anorexic looks at his or her own sexual desire as disgusting.

Christians can disguise this illness behind spiritualized god-talk. They can sanctify their repudiation of sexual life with high-sounding words and religious emotions. When they do this though, the suffering they inflict upon themselves and others becomes an invisible poison. Their cruelty continues its destructive work, defended by their denial of responsibility and adulthood.

There are always emotional bills to pay for becoming sexually anorexic. Even if the sexual anorectic is single, his or her denial of reality can only last so long.

If the anorexic is married, the damage is multiplied may times over.

The sexual anorexic leaves his or her Christian partner without legitimate options. The emptiness at the core of marriage may feel like God’s fault. While the sexual anorexic may feel spiritually superior, his or her partner spirals downward into sadness, rage or even addictive behavior.

It does not help if the anorexic (with a sigh) gives in occasionally. The partner senses the disdain and spiritual condescension. It becomes easier to give up sex altogether that to endure the unspoken judgment that accompanies the begrudging “gift.”

Meanwhile, the Christian community urges the couple to maintain their fidelity. To unknowing eyes, the frustrated partner looks like the irresponsible and unstable person. Not knowing what goes on behind the couple’s public masks, the congregation praises many unions that has become little more than endurance contests. “Being faithful” becomes a mere “not acting out with others.” But what could be more faithless than holding out intimacy from one’s beloved? And if we do this in the name of holiness, what could be more a betrayal against the God of love than to blame him for one’s own coldness and hardness of heart?

We rightfully condemn society’s immorality and sexual addiction. Internet porn is especially a cultural curse and a humiliating private disease. All too many of us – male and female – are vulnerable to its allure. And, we must say, no one else is to blame for the addicts own plunge into that darkness. But in a Christian marriage, there should be a joyful, adventuresome and intimate alternative to a private theft of illegitimate pleasures.

For all too many Christians, there is not.

When we speak about sin, we immediately think of the many wrong things we do. Perhaps we should turn our attention sometime to those things left undone.”